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If you’ve been online long enough, you’ve probably stumbled upon the page We assess dogs – if you haven’t encountered it, please change it immediately! Believe me, it’s worth your time.
The page (which is available on several social platforms, including Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and has its own merchandise store) was launched in 2015 by Matt Nelson. In just over a year, the page has amassed more than two million subscribers, published a book and even inspired a cellphone game.
Their social networks are filled with photos of good dogs, which are sent to the administrators for rating. They usually exclusively rate dogs, but sometimes people send in rare animals (see tweet below), and that’s a joy! I mean, sometimes I also cry with certain messages, but it’s mostly a joy.
So I thought: I like dogs and I like books, so why not combine my love for those two things and, We assess dogs fashion, price book covers with dogs on them?
Well, that’s exactly what I did, and below are the results.
Sit, Stay, Kill by VM Burns
This cover gives me two vibes: Revenge of a Blonde and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
From the description in the book, the dog should be a poodle, but I’m guessing that particular collar would go unnoticed among all the buckles.
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for fashion. 12/10 for effort.
Save Yourself by Elysia Whisler
What’s better than one dog? Two dogs! What’s better than two dogs? Two rescue dogs. What’s better than two rescue dogs? Dogs working as matchmakers for two people hurt by love and life.
The cover seems to have completely forgotten about the main character’s love interest, but it features a woman living her best life on the beach alongside two dogs. 13/10.
Arsenic and Adobo by Mia P. Manansala
It’s a murder mystery with lots of food (my favorite) and a dog that, as far as I remember, doesn’t help solve the mystery.
Still, a dog is a dog, and that dog’s name is Longanisa, a cool name if I’ve heard one. Plus, they seem to be whispering cooking instructions, which makes this blanket already pretty *chef’s kiss*. 10/14.
The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
The dog is a little too close to the camera, but you can see enough to know for sure deep in your heart that he’s a good boy!
Look at that nose! Fluffy ears! And those eyes don’t lie: they beg for food. 14/10 for the close-up.
The Friend of Sigrid Nunez
The dog looks a bit tense, even posing, but the colors seem to counter the dog’s pose, leading you to believe this could be a fun book. Jokes on you, I took a look at the blurb, and it’s definitely something to moan about.
Looking at the cover, however, I want to hug this dog and tell him that everything will be fine. And I can’t deny that the colors are top notch. 10/14.
A Spell for Trouble by Esme Addison
Where to start? The cover makes me feel like someone is about to poison themselves, and I love that the dog has ordered his drink and is now waiting for a friend to arrive, so he can chat some ointments and herbs, in preparation for their next nighttime sorcery session. 13/10.
Cujo by Stephen King
I know at first glance it might seem like Cujo has a case of rage, but that’s probably just a hanger talking. Give them a treat and they’ll be fine in a minute.
Also, relatable. 11/10 (lower score in case their intent isn’t hunger related, but really bat shit – read the blurb so you don’t miss this pun, please – murder intentional).
A Lives of Three Dogs by Abigail Thomas
At first glance, you may think there’s a sleeping dog on this blanket, but if you look closely, you’ll discover that there are actually two.
Everyone loves a surprise dog, even though, from the title, I feel like a dog has been robbed. 10/14.
Seven Perfect Things by Catherine Ryan Hyde
I can count five dogs in this picture which, again, looks like a robbery, since the title is seven perfect things and I can’t conceive what else they mean by that but seven perfect doggos.
Still, let’s be fair, it’s still a bunch of dogs sleeping on dogs. 10/15.
Fifteen Dogs by André Alexis
I’m starting to sense a pattern, and I’m repeating myself, but if I’m promised 15 dogs, the least I expect to get is a blanket with 15 dogs.
These two seem a little nervous, which I would be too if I lived a dog’s life and then was forced to live like a human (see book description). 13/10.
Watchers by Dean Koontz
If there were fire dogs, I think they would look exactly like this. Which probably means I’m not always a good judge of character since, according to the description in the book, this dog is bad and full of red flags.
I could probably fix them and if not they would still look great in a calendar. 10/14.
We Rate Dogs by Matt Nelson
The book of books had to make its way into this post, of course.
Finally a cover that promises something and keeps its promises. Look at all these good babies. 10/15.
I hope you enjoyed this little travel diary with dogs and the dogs they contain.
When setting up your own rating system, remember that deep down you’re all big dogs (with the likely exception of Cujo, but… we’re not talking about Cujo).
Want more? Book Riot has a whole archive dedicated to dogs.